:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Friday, October 27, 2006 ::

Blog Mood

I seem to have been doing a fair bit of blogging lately. Hmm.

Went to the Chinese State Circus with Sally on Tuesday - it was bloody brilliant. Saw some really crazy stuff - there was the usual juggling acts, high wire tricks and so on - but there was this guy doing tricks on a line literally no thicker than a washing line. And he did a headstand. With no hands. I mean, try imagining what it's like to stand on your head on your washing line. Not only did he do that, he somersaulted on it, ran up & down it, and even swung the thing while he did it. Crazy! On top of that, some Shaolin monks decided it would be fun to break paving stones over each others' heads, get impaled on beds of nails and perform martial-arts moves at such speed, they just became a blur. Amazing stuff. But Ealing Common in the rain was incredibly muddy - and for some reason, I ended up walking through the mud in my suit shoes! Not a good idea when you have work the next morning.

Mum's birthday today, so got her a nice bunch of flowers & a card. She's difficult to buy for and doesn't take presents very well, but you can never go wrong with my mother and flowers. Poor woman has a horrible cold at the moment, and my dad managed to put his back out today, so she feels like crap and has been running around all day on her birthday :( On a positive note, my parents have finally upgraded their 1,000,000 year-old PC, and I'm now writing this from the comfort of something that makes my PC look like it was built to handle Windows 3.1 - anyone remember those days? Everything was very grey, with occasional splashes of sickly sea-blue.

Good night down at the Running Horses tonight, so am all set & happy. On an induction course tomorrow at work (like, hello, I've been working there for nearly 3 months now!), which is essentially a good excuse to drink lots of tea & have a posh lunch at the taxpayer's expense. Hey, I pay my taxes too (and quite a lot too!), so I guess I've paid for it already. Then, tomorrow night, I'm down at Sally's and on Saturday we have a big Hallowe'en party planned with lots of friends coming over. It has an odd twist ... but I'm sure it'll be fun!

I get all my police kit issued on Sunday - uniform with all possible variants (summer, winter, rainproof, parade, etc), stab vest, cuffs, ASP (baton), boots, etc. I also now know which station I'll be going to, and am pleased to say that I'll be working the beat in one of London's busiest areas - especially with Christmas coming up! Really, really looking forward to getting out there. Regular Met results still not in - maybe tomorrow? More likely next week, I guess.

Next Tuesday & Wednesday I'm off to Liverpool and then Leicester for work, then the week after I'm off to Sunningdale on another course for another 2 weeks - so no real work to do until mid November...should be quite an easy month on the old wallet.

Anyhoo, off to bed - not got to be up particularly early tomorrow, and even though it's a load of rubbish, probably best to not go in all bleary-eyed!

:: Plod 00:20 [+] ::
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Refried beans do not agree with me

Went out for a Mexican with Sally, Helen & Caroline the other night, and I think those refried beans that I had with my enchilada are giving me trouble. I think the Home Office's bill for toilet paper just trebled since Sunday night ... urgh. Still, it was great at the time! Am going with Sally to the circus up on Ealing Common tonight - there's some Shaolin Monks appearing (Chinese State Circus) and I saw them on TV once - they looked amazing, so it'll be good to see it up close. And we have some 1/2 price tickets, courtesy of our local chinese takeaway!

Things are back on track with Sally. I was upset over the whole moving to Banbury thing, but I understand why she considered it. She said herself that when she thought about things, she didn't want to uproot her whole life and move somewhere where she knows nobody. She still doesn't want to look for jobs in Central London due to her hatred of commuting, so I don't really know what to suggest.

On a happy note, we talked about moving in together sometime later next year - we'd be quite happy to do it right now, but I want to see how things pan out with the Met first. If I'm successful (results expected some time this week or next) then I'll be spending 4.5 months at Hendon training, 13 weeks on a borough, and then I'll get my confirmed final posting, which could be anywhere in London. We do get to choose our three preferences, but nothing is "guaranteed". They do take into consideration where you live - so if I'm in Surrey with Sally, it's unlikely that I'll end up in Waltham Forest or Newham or something like that. I think I'd put down Westminster as my first choice, since I know the area very well and it's my borough as a Special, then Richmond or Kingston, since they're both very easy to get to from Sally's. She's also said that if she gets a job in Kent or a really, really good job at a big museum in London (which she'd be prepared to travel for), then she'd be happy to move as well. I'm the more flexible one of us, since I can easily get to all my friends and family from Sally's, and the Met offer free travel on public transport to all their officers, so I never need to worry about season ticket costs or anything like that.

Anyway, am moving into a lovely 2-bed house in a couple of weeks time - not too far from where I was before. It's bigger than our old flat, and even has a little garden (front and back), and it's in good condition. We know the score with renting this time around, so hopefully we can avoid the whole landlady problem that we have now. I might not be there for all that long, since me & Sally do want to move in together, but Cass knows the score and she's perfectly happy with it.

Break over... time to get back to the affairs of the nation! I might not much like the work, but it's well paid...and now I have enough money coming in to take Sally somewhere special over the Christmas break.

:: Plod 10:32 [+] ::
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Plodding Along

Waiting to hear on assessment centre results for Met Police regulars - expecting to hear them this week.

Have just been "re-structured" at work, which has rather upset everyone's applecarts - now nobody seems to know who is responsible for what, but I'm sure we can very usefully spend the next few months finding out just what we're supposed to do.

Sally is looking for another job - she was offered one in Banbury (Oxfordshire), and she would have taken it if it weren't for me asking her not to go. She's not prepared to commute into London, even though it's only 30 mins away on the train, but she's prepared to move to a whole new part of the country on a whim. Hmm - odd. Caused a lot of tension last week when it was on the cards.

Am also having serious difficulties with landlady - she's lost the plot. Also, not too sure if Elli is coming onto me at the moment. She's a lovely girl, I love her company, but I'm trying to sort things out with Sally right now. Have been quite badly affected by her readyness to move so far away without considering how I'd take it, and am still very upset. Not sure if she realises that yet. Feel a bit like I'm being taken for granted at the moment, and am getting a bit tired of being criticised so much.

Want to start in the Met as a regular ASAP (all going well as a Special at the moment). Need some kind of purpose between 9 - 5, Monday to Friday. Mum's birthday next Thursday, so will need to think of something. Am supposed to be seeing Mum, Elli and be at Sally's party next Saturday, so am going to have a busy week ahead.

:: Plod 00:19 [+] ::
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Daft Miserable Old Git

It's funny how after some reflection, I realise that I don't feel as bad as I made out in that post below.

It's still true what I said about my housing situation - I still want to go back to SE London - but otherwise, well, I think it was more a case of "late night blues" than anything else.

Anyway, off to Bristol tonight for a recruitment event, persuading other bright young hopefuls of the joys of a career in the Civil Service. Should I tell them that you'll spend most of your life in meetings, doing work that nobody gives a toss about, and in 90% of cases will be wasted anyway? Or should I tell them that they're joining a "reformed, fast-paced, dynamic business with unlimited opportunities for advancement, working on projects of major importance to the nation"?

Bollocks!

:: Plod 08:36 [+] ::
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Daft Miserable Old Git

It's funny how after some reflection, I realise that I don't feel as bad as I made out in that post below.

It's still true what I said about my housing situation - I still want to go back to SE London - but otherwise, well, I think it was more a case of "late night blues" than anything else.

Anyway, off to Bristol tonight for a recruitment event, persuading other bright young hopefuls of the joys of a career in the Civil Service. Should I tell them that you'll spend most of your life in meetings, doing work that nobody gives a toss about, and in 90% of cases will be wasted anyway? Or should I tell them that they're joining a "reformed, fast-paced, dynamic business with unlimited opportunities for advancement, working on projects of major importance to the nation"?

Bollocks!

:: Plod 08:36 [+] ::
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Reminiscing

I've been looking back at the 4 year archives of my blog, reflecting on just how much my life has changed since I first started writing here. It makes me sad, in a way, because life hasn't turned out how I expected it. I'm not sure quite what I wanted when I left uni - I think I did my MA just for the sake of it, while pretending it was to make me more employable. It didn't do anything of the sort, and I didn't make any lasting friendships as a result - I've tried to get in touch with Liza over the years, but haven't ever had a response, so took that to mean that she doesn't want to stay in contact. Anyway, I don't think I expected to be still writing this blog in 2006 from a little flat somewhere in West London. I thought I'd have achieved more than I have. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of life, I don't know.

If I hadn't ever started this blog, I'd have avoided an awful lot of trouble. Some people have read this over the years and recognised themselves in it - ex-Liz, friend Liz, Fay, Lindsay - to name just a few. None of them were happy to see it. It was a mistake every time to let other people into my diary. I don't mind random people from the internet seeing it and occasionally (but rarely) commenting on it, because they aren't likely to know me. I quite like writing things safely, but airing them in public. Anyway, if I hadn't have kept this diary, I wouldn't have upset all these people - who at one time or other meant a lot to me. I'm still in touch with both Liz's, fortunately. I also wouldn't have had a record of the last 4 years of my life, which wouldn't have reminded me of how my life once was. It's like a living record of me aging, and it makes me sad to reflect that I'm no longer as young as I once was. I'm hardly old (24), but I'm only getting older, and yes - silly as it sounds - it does make me feel rather melancholy. This blog reminds me that once, I was 20 - and I didn't care one little bit about getting older. My problems revolved around women (or the lack of), stupid crushes and idiotic university troubles.

These days, I have to worry about:

• My (serious) relationship with Sally. Part of me loves her, but part of me has doubts. Sometimes, I can't see myself with anyone else. Sometimes, part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing with her?".
• Where I live. I want desperately to go back to South East London (my home), because I hate it here in West London. I've had an awful time of things since I moved to Ealing, and I just want to get away from here, back to where I call home and be closer to my friends and family. But Sally won't move, understandably, and to move away would destroy our relationship. I also wouldn't be able to afford to rent a decent place on my own, and am in no position to buy a place. I want to leave, but I can't.
• My job. When I started working in film and television, I felt so lucky and privileged to be working in an exciting industry that so many people want to join. I was getting paid to do a job I loved, but then the work dried up. Maybe I wasn't "popular" enough - which I think is most likely. I was really, really upset when I left the BBC. Ever since then, I've held down a succession of crap temp jobs, and now I'm working in a "career job" that has turned out to be nothing like I believed it would be. I want to join the Met Police full-time as a regular officer, but it's taking ages - and I've got absolutely zero support from my parents. It doesn't change my views on joining up, but it does make it much, much harder. The Civil Service may bore me to tears, but at least it's comfortable and not a leap into the unknown.
  

So, Relationship, House, Job. I guess things don't come much more serious than that. By way of a distraction, I looked Lindsay up on AOL Messenger and followed a link through to some of her pictures posted online. I'm not raking up the past (I really don't want to go there - it's far too painful, and literally hurts my stomach when I think about things too long), but she looks happy, fun-loving and settled. Contrast that with me, and you can see that she had the right idea about things.

Something went very badly wrong with me, and I don't know what to do about it. I had no wish to turn into a sad, miserable character - but that's what I feel I am. I've struggled to cope with depression before (last May - September required medication), but feel like I'm living with it all the time. I get these moods occasionally, late at night like now, and think that I've messed everything up. I'm doing everything I can to make myself happy - I get out and about, I try and see my old friends as much as possible - but I'm kidding myself in some ways. Only my old friends from the Running Horses actually contact *me* - almost everyone else doesn't respond until I contact *them*. In other words, if I didn't bother, they'd carry on as if I didn't exist...which means I don't rank very highly in most peoples' estimations. Even my own parents don't call me or visit.

I must be quite a hideous character, but I don't know what I've done, or how to reverse it. I seem to have lost whatever charisma I might have once had, and am still the same loner I have always been.

That's why I keep this blog. It's the only companion I have at times like these. It's my honest space.

:: Plod 00:17 [+] ::
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Rolling Along

Things have improved slightly in the Civil Service, but not by much. I understand things a lot more, but now I just find the job boring. I'm so glad I didn't stop my application to the Met Police - assessment centre is coming up on the 12th of October for that.

I realised I didn't write down exactly what I was doing before. I'm working in the Office of Criminal Justice Reform (OCJR), which is part of the Home Office, and we get all the high-profile reforms to ... err... the criminal justice system. Fairly self-explanatory. My role in all this is as a "Higher Executive Officer (Developmental)", which in Civil Service speak means I'm a junior manager. I have an Executive Officer working to me, and a couple of other admin bods. I'm currently drafting a guide to the issuing of Police Cautions and implementing legislation to allow offences to be charged by post. In the grand scheme of things, I guess I could be working on much worse things - but I still don't find it interesting. More than anything, I find the Civil Service to be remarkably slow at dealing with things - everything seems to be "next week" or meetings arranged for 3 months time. The legislation I'm working on right now is already 3.5 years overdue, and will probably be nearer 5 years overdue by the time it actually comes into force nationally. I find the slow pace of everything difficult to handle, and that's why I want out. The money is fine, the people are nice and the conditions of service are very comfortable... but I don't want to spend my career just drifting, writing reports that nobody reads on subjects that nobody cares about. Dad seems to have this idea that I'll be a part of major Home Office internal reforms where we become super-efficient, and somehow I'll emerge as some kind of "great reformer" and be on a fast-track to the top. Somehow, I doubt it. The whole service is so clunky, cumbersome and impossibly massive that no reforms are going to ever work.

Things are going fine as a Special - very much enjoying being at Hendon, and am learning a lot. This week we're covering Theft and offences derived from it, and then next week we move onto the fun (and pain!) of Officer Safety Training. I've loved it so far, and it's the camaraderie that inspires me to want to do it for a living. Don't get me wrong, I've met some lovely people on the Fast Stream (though we're scattered everywhere, obviously), but my team-mates are a great bunch of ordinary people, willing to put themselves forward for public service for no reward - and it's a damn site more dangerous and unpleasant than sitting in an office 9-5. Special Constables really are an amazing bunch of people, who have decided to make public safety their personal responsibility, and all for no reward. I'm very proud to be among them...a lot prouder than I am of our civil servants and our government.

:: Plod 00:05 [+] ::
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New Job

Its only been two days, but I hate this fucking job already, and I'm not even looking forward to going in tomorrow. I've tried to talk to my parents, but they're not even being remotely supportive or caring - very much "it's either this or stacking shelves at ASDA" (I quote my mother). Fucking brilliant. I'm so, so upset right now, and the only one who really listens to me is Sally.

:: Plod 21:16 [+] ::
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