:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Thursday, September 28, 2006 ::

Daft Miserable Old Git

It's funny how after some reflection, I realise that I don't feel as bad as I made out in that post below.

It's still true what I said about my housing situation - I still want to go back to SE London - but otherwise, well, I think it was more a case of "late night blues" than anything else.

Anyway, off to Bristol tonight for a recruitment event, persuading other bright young hopefuls of the joys of a career in the Civil Service. Should I tell them that you'll spend most of your life in meetings, doing work that nobody gives a toss about, and in 90% of cases will be wasted anyway? Or should I tell them that they're joining a "reformed, fast-paced, dynamic business with unlimited opportunities for advancement, working on projects of major importance to the nation"?

Bollocks!

:: Plod 08:36 [+] ::
...

Daft Miserable Old Git

It's funny how after some reflection, I realise that I don't feel as bad as I made out in that post below.

It's still true what I said about my housing situation - I still want to go back to SE London - but otherwise, well, I think it was more a case of "late night blues" than anything else.

Anyway, off to Bristol tonight for a recruitment event, persuading other bright young hopefuls of the joys of a career in the Civil Service. Should I tell them that you'll spend most of your life in meetings, doing work that nobody gives a toss about, and in 90% of cases will be wasted anyway? Or should I tell them that they're joining a "reformed, fast-paced, dynamic business with unlimited opportunities for advancement, working on projects of major importance to the nation"?

Bollocks!

:: Plod 08:36 [+] ::
...

Reminiscing

I've been looking back at the 4 year archives of my blog, reflecting on just how much my life has changed since I first started writing here. It makes me sad, in a way, because life hasn't turned out how I expected it. I'm not sure quite what I wanted when I left uni - I think I did my MA just for the sake of it, while pretending it was to make me more employable. It didn't do anything of the sort, and I didn't make any lasting friendships as a result - I've tried to get in touch with Liza over the years, but haven't ever had a response, so took that to mean that she doesn't want to stay in contact. Anyway, I don't think I expected to be still writing this blog in 2006 from a little flat somewhere in West London. I thought I'd have achieved more than I have. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of life, I don't know.

If I hadn't ever started this blog, I'd have avoided an awful lot of trouble. Some people have read this over the years and recognised themselves in it - ex-Liz, friend Liz, Fay, Lindsay - to name just a few. None of them were happy to see it. It was a mistake every time to let other people into my diary. I don't mind random people from the internet seeing it and occasionally (but rarely) commenting on it, because they aren't likely to know me. I quite like writing things safely, but airing them in public. Anyway, if I hadn't have kept this diary, I wouldn't have upset all these people - who at one time or other meant a lot to me. I'm still in touch with both Liz's, fortunately. I also wouldn't have had a record of the last 4 years of my life, which wouldn't have reminded me of how my life once was. It's like a living record of me aging, and it makes me sad to reflect that I'm no longer as young as I once was. I'm hardly old (24), but I'm only getting older, and yes - silly as it sounds - it does make me feel rather melancholy. This blog reminds me that once, I was 20 - and I didn't care one little bit about getting older. My problems revolved around women (or the lack of), stupid crushes and idiotic university troubles.

These days, I have to worry about:

• My (serious) relationship with Sally. Part of me loves her, but part of me has doubts. Sometimes, I can't see myself with anyone else. Sometimes, part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing with her?".
• Where I live. I want desperately to go back to South East London (my home), because I hate it here in West London. I've had an awful time of things since I moved to Ealing, and I just want to get away from here, back to where I call home and be closer to my friends and family. But Sally won't move, understandably, and to move away would destroy our relationship. I also wouldn't be able to afford to rent a decent place on my own, and am in no position to buy a place. I want to leave, but I can't.
• My job. When I started working in film and television, I felt so lucky and privileged to be working in an exciting industry that so many people want to join. I was getting paid to do a job I loved, but then the work dried up. Maybe I wasn't "popular" enough - which I think is most likely. I was really, really upset when I left the BBC. Ever since then, I've held down a succession of crap temp jobs, and now I'm working in a "career job" that has turned out to be nothing like I believed it would be. I want to join the Met Police full-time as a regular officer, but it's taking ages - and I've got absolutely zero support from my parents. It doesn't change my views on joining up, but it does make it much, much harder. The Civil Service may bore me to tears, but at least it's comfortable and not a leap into the unknown.
  

So, Relationship, House, Job. I guess things don't come much more serious than that. By way of a distraction, I looked Lindsay up on AOL Messenger and followed a link through to some of her pictures posted online. I'm not raking up the past (I really don't want to go there - it's far too painful, and literally hurts my stomach when I think about things too long), but she looks happy, fun-loving and settled. Contrast that with me, and you can see that she had the right idea about things.

Something went very badly wrong with me, and I don't know what to do about it. I had no wish to turn into a sad, miserable character - but that's what I feel I am. I've struggled to cope with depression before (last May - September required medication), but feel like I'm living with it all the time. I get these moods occasionally, late at night like now, and think that I've messed everything up. I'm doing everything I can to make myself happy - I get out and about, I try and see my old friends as much as possible - but I'm kidding myself in some ways. Only my old friends from the Running Horses actually contact *me* - almost everyone else doesn't respond until I contact *them*. In other words, if I didn't bother, they'd carry on as if I didn't exist...which means I don't rank very highly in most peoples' estimations. Even my own parents don't call me or visit.

I must be quite a hideous character, but I don't know what I've done, or how to reverse it. I seem to have lost whatever charisma I might have once had, and am still the same loner I have always been.

That's why I keep this blog. It's the only companion I have at times like these. It's my honest space.

:: Plod 00:17 [+] ::
...

Rolling Along

Things have improved slightly in the Civil Service, but not by much. I understand things a lot more, but now I just find the job boring. I'm so glad I didn't stop my application to the Met Police - assessment centre is coming up on the 12th of October for that.

I realised I didn't write down exactly what I was doing before. I'm working in the Office of Criminal Justice Reform (OCJR), which is part of the Home Office, and we get all the high-profile reforms to ... err... the criminal justice system. Fairly self-explanatory. My role in all this is as a "Higher Executive Officer (Developmental)", which in Civil Service speak means I'm a junior manager. I have an Executive Officer working to me, and a couple of other admin bods. I'm currently drafting a guide to the issuing of Police Cautions and implementing legislation to allow offences to be charged by post. In the grand scheme of things, I guess I could be working on much worse things - but I still don't find it interesting. More than anything, I find the Civil Service to be remarkably slow at dealing with things - everything seems to be "next week" or meetings arranged for 3 months time. The legislation I'm working on right now is already 3.5 years overdue, and will probably be nearer 5 years overdue by the time it actually comes into force nationally. I find the slow pace of everything difficult to handle, and that's why I want out. The money is fine, the people are nice and the conditions of service are very comfortable... but I don't want to spend my career just drifting, writing reports that nobody reads on subjects that nobody cares about. Dad seems to have this idea that I'll be a part of major Home Office internal reforms where we become super-efficient, and somehow I'll emerge as some kind of "great reformer" and be on a fast-track to the top. Somehow, I doubt it. The whole service is so clunky, cumbersome and impossibly massive that no reforms are going to ever work.

Things are going fine as a Special - very much enjoying being at Hendon, and am learning a lot. This week we're covering Theft and offences derived from it, and then next week we move onto the fun (and pain!) of Officer Safety Training. I've loved it so far, and it's the camaraderie that inspires me to want to do it for a living. Don't get me wrong, I've met some lovely people on the Fast Stream (though we're scattered everywhere, obviously), but my team-mates are a great bunch of ordinary people, willing to put themselves forward for public service for no reward - and it's a damn site more dangerous and unpleasant than sitting in an office 9-5. Special Constables really are an amazing bunch of people, who have decided to make public safety their personal responsibility, and all for no reward. I'm very proud to be among them...a lot prouder than I am of our civil servants and our government.

:: Plod 00:05 [+] ::
...