:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Wednesday, January 28, 2004 ::

An Essay to Me

This post is a splurge. Read it if you want, but I don't know how much sense it'll make. Writing it here just saves someone else the hassle of having to listen to it. And I guess it's going to get really shitty too. If you've read much of this blog before, you'll know I'm a great one for chopping & changing all the damn time. Think of this as a snapshot or something. Maybe one day, some psychiatrist somewhere will have a field day with me.

Ever since I came back from America, I feel like I have no direction - because I feel like I lost something so precious to me, I never thought I could live without it. I was so close to Lindsay once; we would talk about anything and everything, no matter what, and now I feel like that's gone. I don't want to believe it, but I've been hurting so much and I just can't tell her. I'm not part of her life anymore, however much I wanted to be. She can't talk to me, and I don't know if that's because she doesn't trust me or what. All I know is it hurt when I was out there - more than anything else I've ever been through, and that's quite a bit. And I know there's nothing I can do to put it right. I just wish I could, that's all.

I had a dream of going to America, gaining a PhD in a prestigious institution like Princeton, and being the best goddamn history tutor that ever lived. Now, I don't know what I want. I can't dissociate it from the hurt I feel, and I'm not going to walk into that for 3 years - it's bad enough at the moment. Truth is, the way I feel, I don't think I'd cope. To make matters worse, I don't feel like there's anyone I can really talk to - partly my own fault, though, because I hate appearing melodramatic. That's why I have this blog after all - because I can open up without being laughed at. Even when I was talking to Liza a couple of weeks ago, I was very careful with what I said. Alright, sometimes I need a big slap to bring me back to reality. But sometimes I also just need a hug and a little bit of compassion. Maybe the man upstairs decided somewhere along the line that I don't deserve any. Well, fuck you too, Big G.

So, I begin to question why I'm doing my MA. Am I even good enough to be doing my MA? Last night, I felt like a right dickhead in the presence of Ross, Alex and Liza. I don't "get" most philosophy and deep heavy history shit, so I steer clear of it - and I begged them to move the conversation onto something else. But no. Ho hum. So I'm left behind, the shallow historian who can't spend an hour talking about the philosophies of Pierra Nora, Ferdnand Braudel and Walter Benjamin. Nice. Am I just a graduate-level student who's out of his depth? I don't know, but sometimes I sure feel like it.

Then the perennial problem. I'm still on my own, and quite frankly, these days I'm getting real tired of the single lifestyle. I actually met up with Lorelly the other day (she failed her course, so she came home), which seems like a crazy thing to have done. She's a nice girl, and is much the same girl I always knew - but I know however much I like her, nothing can / will happen. I just don't feel anything much. Then there's Kate, who now seems to have taken to ignoring me altogether. Am I really that annoying? Thanks, sweetheart. Love you too. And now Liza - once, we used to talk / text every single day - now, I've hardly seen her in a fortnight. I know we've got presentations to do for Friday, but...well...we all need friends around us, and I feel a little out on a limb. Oh, and I can't forget my delightful ex-Liz. Less said the better there, really.

Yesterday, as I was standing waiting at Euston station for the Victoria Line to head home, I asked myself - "Who would actually give a toss if I just walked out in front of this train?" I started, in those moments, wondering exactly what the world would be like without this Chris Turner. And you know something? I didn't think it would be that much different at all. It can't be that I just haven't met the right people all my life, so it must be something about me. I wish I knew what, so I could do something. I'm sick of hearing throwaway comments - "You're a nice guy", "oh, chris, you're a great guy" - you know something else? Save that shit. Quite obviously, I'm not. I'm in a serious mess, but I just keep putting up a front. That's what I've always done, that's what everyone expects me to do, and when I try and do anything else, no-one wants to know. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, unashamedly so. And if you have a problem with that, well, screw you too. Am I bitter? Yes.

Why?

Because everything that ever mattered to me has all turned to nothing.

Now all I do is drift from day to day, clinging on to desperate old dreams and trying to find somewhere to fit in. It's pretty lonely in my obscure corner of the world. But I don't expect anyone to notice.

:: Plod 17:05 [+] ::
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Old Wounds

After my recent experiences in the USA, which I don't really want to talk about too much, I've been emotionally shredded. Ha! Like I wasn't a mess before I went. Now I've gone and done a crazy thing - gone & made contact with Lorelly. I haven't even seen her in 5 years, but she was one of the few girls that actually went chasing after me a long time ago, so I decided to try & find out what happened to her. I wrote to her, and she sent me a text message back the very next day (Friday). Yesterday, she called me and we spent about an hour and a half on the phone. It seemed strange, talking about old history - I haven't seen her since I was a Sergeant in the cadets - and that's a long time ago! She was talking about old times and stuff that I'd long since forgotten. But through it all, she was quite charming. I don't know if she's the same Lorelly that I once knew (most likely not), but I'd like to meet up with her again. Trouble is, on Monday she's off to Dorset for a year learning how to be some kind of adventure training instructor - so I won't get to see her that much at all. Maybe it's for the best, but it sure does set your mind wandering.

I need distractions at the moment. I don't know if I've lost a friend or not, and if I have, I don't understand why. I just don't know. I went to America with a huge blank in my mind, and I've come back with an even worse one - and with my feelings kicked to crap.

:: Plod 09:03 [+] ::
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A Long Absence

Its been a long time since I posted anything in my journal. On one hand, this little patch of webspace has given me great comfort and relief - a space where I can blurt out my thoughts and feelings without worrying about space, or what I'm really rambling about. But its also been a source of great pain and anguish. People have learned things about me that maybe they shouldn't have known. People have seen the real inside of me - this journal is the only part of my life where I don't put up a front - and those who know me and have seen this have been shocked. Not everyone was meant to see this place, but now if you do a search on Google for "Chris Turner", this page appears right up there in the rankings.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to do away with this diary, the other can't bear to lose it. It really, really hurts. I feel like I've bottled up so much pain recently, and there's nowhere left for it to go except here. I hate melodrama, I hate sounding like this, but as I read through my journal, I realise that I am this kind of person. I'm something I hate, and I want it to end...but I don't know how.

:: Plod 23:43 [+] ::
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