:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 ::

I'm still ill, but feeling much better after spending a day with Liza. We met up this afternoon for a cup of tea, which soon turned into lunch...and then we spent a goodly portion of the day in the British Library. I got some very interesting research done for my dissertation ("Port Royal Sunsets: The Decline of Piracy in the Caribbean, 1680 - 1730"). It's quite exciting, handling original documents from over 300 years ago - though, of course, they're very strict with how you can handle them. I also told Liza how much I appreciate her as a friend - that I don't think I'd have made it this far without her help and support...and she told me much the same. I feel very close to her right now - much like I did with Friend Liz when I first started at Sheffield. I need to see her again too, sooner rather than later. Also managed to do some catching up with Dawn on AIM today...I've missed her as well.

I guess things are looking up a bit, now. I managed to get myself some liquid-filled Anadin capsules at Victoria station, and I have to say - they're bloody brilliant. Really fast working. Highly recommended.

And the West Cornwall Pasty Company - "Keeping Hard-Working Historians in Cheese & Bacon Pasties for over 100 Years" - where would I be without them?

:: Plod 22:18 [+] ::
...

I feel totally crappy and ill...I'm all alone, tired, fed up and feeling like shit.

But I'm going over to Liz's tonight for dinner at least...that'll be nice.

I can't think of anything else to say other than how bloody awful I feel. About everything.

:: Plod 18:10 [+] ::
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Weird Night Out

Okay, so, today started off weird...and it finished off being even weirder. Me, Liza, Ross, James, Matt and some American girl went for a drink after class, had a pizza, went off to another pub...and then (when James and Ross had gone), ended up in some Soho gay bar called The Sanctuary. Yup, you read that right. A gay bar. Copious amounts of weirdness. Liza pleaded with me & Matt to go (apparently some guy playing the piano was really good - he never showed up) on the promise of drinks, but then practically ignored us once we were inside. Both me & Matt were stood there like lemons (basically because neither of us are gay) while Liza chatted away to this other American girl whose name escapes me. Chi. Chen. I can't remember. Either way, both me & Matt left because we were bored - not actually because we were in a gay bar - and it really, really pisses me off to be ignored completely.

I still find Liza a really exciting girl - but we'll probably be no more than friends. She put "love" to me as a really different concept tonight, even if she had had a bit to drink. I don't know if there is any "love" between us - I sure don't think so in the conventional sense - but I know that I'd feel really alone at UCL without her. I don't know if she feels the same with me, and experience (with a healthy dose of cynicism) tells me not. She gave me a very big hug when I left, which was nice, but it didn't make up for being ignored for 45 minutes. Has she gone down in my estimations? No. I still think highly of her, and I'll put it down as a one-off. And having learned lessons from Wednesday's experiences with Kate, I think when I next see her (probably Tuesday), I'm going to actually tell her that I really value her as a friend.

I think we all need to feel valued from time to time. Maybe I should tell the people that matter to me most how special they are more often.

And, I swear, I won't even need to go near a drop of alcohol to tell her.

:: Plod 00:02 [+] ::
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Morning After

I still don't know what to do about the Kate situation. I've asked Liza for advice, but the best she can think of is just to resolve it. I feel like I'm in nowhere-land - I'm confused and just not sure where to go from here. The best thing I can do is get on with my work and just see how this whole thing plays out. I'm used to writing the drama, not being in the middle of it!

In other news, I've been elected to the UCL Drama Committee. I'm going to be running a series of Wednesday workshops, many of which will focus on writing and development, as well as stagecraft and direction. One thing I'm not too interested in doing on a Wednesday is acting, since there's a dedicated Sunday workshop for that. Maybe I'll see if I can get guest speakers in or something from nearby theatres. I'm very exited about this whole thing - being able to immerse myself completely in something I love is a rare thing. There's some great talent out there, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it.

:: Plod 09:41 [+] ::
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New Bits & Pieces

I've added a couple of new things to the site...You can now take part in polls if you feel like it, click a couple of new links and even play the great game, Pass the Pigs! Now, that's entertainment.

Also, I just got a text message of Kate. It looks like everything's okay - she doesn't want me to feel embarrassed or anything. I don't think it's a come-on, but I do think I'm on her mind.

:: Plod 23:21 [+] ::
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New Commenting Features at Eversong

You can now leave comments on my work over at [eversong], my poetry and writing repository. Trawl through things at your leisure and leave your insights, suggestions, witicisms and criticisms...I'll be very interested to read them.

:: Plod 18:14 [+] ::
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Nightmare

We all went out last night for a drink and I ended up telling Kate that I had feelings for her. She hugged me, told me I was "great" and smiled...but that's as far as it went. I fucked up badly. I slept the night on her floor again, but she left early in the morning without saying goodbye or anything.

I hope I haven't upset her. It's played on my mind all day, not least because I'm not 100% sure why I said all those things.

"It was no suface, but all feeling."
- - Manic Street Preachers

:: Plod 17:50 [+] ::
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What Matrix Character Am I?

You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your
persuit.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: Plod 21:48 [+] ::
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Work Work Work

I'm totally snowed under with uni work, desperately scratching around for essay ideas while struggling to juggle Marxist, Rankean, Heigelian and Weberian theories of Historical Progress. There's a hefty amount of philosophy in there, I can tell you...and it sucks. Absolutely not my research interest at all.

I've been to see Rebecca Spang about I & A essay submissions. Looks like I'll be doing "Representations of Nation, Empire and History at the National Maritime Museum", which is not exactly awe inspiring, but if it gets me through, I'll be happy. I still have two others to come up with. God help me!

As a break from my 7-day working week, I went up to see the Titanic exhibition in the Science Museum...it was pretty damn good with some impressive artefacts on display. It wasn't a very long exhibition - we covered the whole thing in under an hour, but worth going to see all the same.

Tomorrow's a busy day...I & A seminar at 10, Essential Skills at 2...Drama meeting at 6...Running Horses pub for 8pm. And then on Wednesday, we're organising a piss-up. I need some good, hard drunkenness. I've invited Liza, and a load of my old friends should be coming from RailEurope - Cheryl, Vicky, Tarv and a few others. It'll be good to see them again, and nice to be with Liza in an environment where we don't have to give a toss about history for a while.

Mind you, if I get completely trashed, it'll make Thursday's morning seminar very interesting indeed....

:: Plod 21:44 [+] ::
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New Piece

I've added a new piece of bizarre fantasy poetry over at [eversong] - I seem to be on a bit of a roll at the moment. I don't expect it'll make much sense, but I'd be interested to see what people make of it.

:: Plod 00:29 [+] ::
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New Poem

I've added a new poem over at [eversong], "One-Eyed Jack, The Pasty-Eating Pirate". Don't ask...just read it :)

I've also booked my flight to New York and got a great deal. Roll on January 1st. America - here I come!

:: Plod 00:01 [+] ::
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What Movie Do I Belong In?

Strange...Apparently, I belong in "Nightmare Before Christmas". I seem to have the knack for digging up weird quizzes at the moment.


Nightmare Before Christmas!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

:: Plod 19:22 [+] ::
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Philosophical Musing

There are a few things in life that really interest me, and I think they're reflected in my work. I thought I'd muse over them here.

1) Love

Tricky one, this. Once upon a time, I'd have said I know what love is. Now, I'd say I only dream of it. I guess it's what's left - that special bond that exists between people when passion has died away. I don't feel like a qualified expert, and I don't have any wonderful girl next to me to base any romantic observances on. Still, it interests me all the same...and our neverending search for it.

2) Jealousy

I find this one more interesting than love, because there's a lot more wrangling and gut-churning feeling that goes with it. Jealousy is one of our most powerful feelings - it's wholly destructive, even life-consuming. It makes us bitter and changes us from who we really are. So many times, Jealousy takes a hold of us...and when reality sets in, it all seems so stupid in retrospect. Amazing how strong this one really is.

3) Revenge

This, I find, is the most powerful and destructive feeling of all. Maybe it's something to do with our natural sense of justice, and when we feel it violated, our instinct is to lash out and punish those we feel have broken our sense of order and "what's right". The mindless obsessions that Revenge creates fascinate me...and it makes such a wonderful dramatic device. It can be uncomfortable to talk about, but we all get twinges of revenge from time to time.

4) Falsity

Falsity is something I've come across a lot. From simple white lies to cheating, backstabbing and all the rest - I've seen it all. It really grinds with me - especially when people say one thing and do another. I admire honesty - even when it means being told something I don't want to hear, or an opinion that maybe I won't like. People who stand up, say things and be counted for their beliefs are what matter in life...not people who pretend.

5) Humour

On a much lighter note, humour fascinates me - why we find things funny, how to make things funny - you name it. Comedy is the greatest thing in the world, and though it may not make for good drama (hey, who gives a shit), it sure does make for the best entertainment ever. I would kill to be a world-class comedian, and I would gladly stop writing about Love, Revenge and Jealousy if I could write great comedy.

There...just some thoughts before I go to bed.

:: Plod 00:11 [+] ::
...

I've found a good deal on a flight (well, as good as it's going to get)...now I just need to hear back from Lindsay to make sure everything's okay, and I'll book it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little nervous, and I don't really know why. Maybe excited is the better word. Very excited.

:: Plod 08:57 [+] ::
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Promises

I promised Lindsay I'll go and see her in January, but where am I going to get £275 from? God knows how I'll scrape it together, but I don't want to let her down. She's even offered to pay towards it, but I can't have that.

I need to do some serious thinking - I want to go, but whether or not I get mother-approval is quite another thing. I could really do without her bitching about everything I do.

:: Plod 23:36 [+] ::
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Flavour Test

Apparently I taste like bread.

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

:: Plod 23:36 [+] ::
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New Poem

Just a short poem added over at [eversong], where I still store my works. I'll add some more over the coming days now I'm back in the blogging business.

:: Plod 23:20 [+] ::
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Another Day, Another Essay

I'm snowed under with work now at university - 3 essays to do before December, and I've hardly made a start yet. Not to mention I've got to get preparations underway for my dissertation. It all seems so much, but I'm sure I'll cope somehow - at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I've got to analyse British army recruitment in the late 17th century, discuss the origins of the English Civil War and write a piece about how societies tell stories. Liza seems to be making real headway, but then she seems so much more enthusiastic than me. Don't get me wrong - I love my subject dearly, but she really is keen with a capital "K"...and it makes me feel inadequate, I guess! I just can't sit down and read history books every waking moment.

Still...maybe I'll get something practical done today.

:: Plod 11:50 [+] ::
...

Control...You must learn control!

As Yoda said.

I'm not going to get a crush on her...I'm not!

God, I feel like a schoolboy all over again. She's great. She's gorgeous. And if you read the last few posts, you'll soon know who she is.

And as if that wasn't enough, I'm in two minds about Lindsay too. It's all so confusing. I'm really happy when I'm in Liza's company, but I know we're just friends. Yet, from time to time, I can't help weighing up the potential for more. We have a lot in common, but I think we'd need to spend some more time "out" of the university environment before I could be more sure of where that's heading.

As for Lindsay, well, she doesn't even need an introduction. The most stunning girl I have ever been with in my life, period. Just thinking about seeing her (which looks like it'll be going ahead in January) makes me excited.

The agony of not knowing what to do. Make a play for the attached, gorgeous British girl (with very uncertain results), or make a play for the unattached, gorgeous American girl (with more predictable results, but obvious difficulties in the long term). Answers on a postcard, please.

:: Plod 22:24 [+] ::
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Geek Test

You are 32% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

:: Plod 20:20 [+] ::
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The Unforgiven (Metallica)

My song of the moment...I love it.

===============================

New blood joins this earth
and quikly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules

with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven

they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub the unforgiven

you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub the unforgiven

:: Plod 20:12 [+] ::
...

Timing

Okay, so my timing sucks, but I'm still in the Blog business. I have a hectic life!

The workload is starting to crank up at uni. I had to lie to get registered at the British Library. I stole a notepad from the History computer room. I crashed out on Katy's floor. I'm trying hard not to develop a crush on Liza.

Quite a good summary, I think! Seriously, it's sooo busy and UCL is so overwhelming. It's everything I imagined it to be...though I do worry that I won't be able to keep up sometimes! I suppose things have to get harder at MA level...gotta earn that "M" somehow.

I do miss my friends from Sheffield, and I desperately want to see them soon...I want a weekend off, so I can travel Friday - Monday and see everyone. I especially miss Liz - I still have her present from Paris in my bag, and I want to drop it off. I don't make too much of a secret of it...if I go to Sheffield, Liz is my number one reason for going.

I'm also trying to see if I can squeeze in a visit to Lindsay in New Jersey while I'm at it...I have some dates & ideas, but I need to know what she can manage. I really, really miss her. She's the only girl who really made me feel...wanted. I think I probably ranted about that somewhere else in my blog. Just do a search for "Lindsay" on the left, and I'm sure she'll come up a few times. But all the same, I keep toying with the idea of resurrecting our relationship...but it's best not to live in too much hope, I think.

I've also made a really good friend in Liza at uni. One day, I'll make some friends whose names start with something other than "L", I promise (though I suppose "Liz" is really "Elizabeth"). She has a boyfriend up in Cambridge at the moment, so she's a no-go area, even though we get on really well. She is absolutely stunning, don't get me wrong, and I'd probably jump at the chance if it ever came along...but my own sense of decency won't let me. Like I said, I'm trying not to develop some kind of crush on her...it would be terrible if something went wrong between us.

:: Plod 20:10 [+] ::
...

Too busy!

Sorry for the lack of updates over the last week...I'm still around, but it's all so hectic at the moment. UCL is an amazing place, and it takes up 98% of my time at the moment. Sleep takes up 1.5%, eating 0.4999% and working for RailEurope takes about 0.0001% of my energies.

I'll update this evening properly :)

:: Plod 08:18 [+] ::
...