:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Thursday, September 25, 2003 ::

University College London

I have now started at my new university...right in the heart of London. I still can't believe that I'm attending one of the world's leading institutions - and I say that with rather a lot of overbearing pride :)

I've had my "orientation" - I basically know where everything is, though there's such a myriad of little corridors, narrow sidestreets and short-cuts, I doubt I'll learn them all in a year. It's very traditional - you really do get a sense of age in the place. Wood-panelled corridors, old creaky staircases and Victorian furnishings...combined with modernity. It's rather an eclectic mix. It's very different to Sheffield!

I've met some really nice people - Liza, Lindsey, Katy (who worked with me at RailEurope - how crazy?!), Dan and Ross...all are doing the MA in Modern History with me. I've especially hit it off with Lindsey, probably because we both have something in common - we're both Sheffield graduates! It's nice to have something to talk about. We're "doing lunch" tomorrow at the Fresher's Fair, where I'm going to sign up to the Theatre Company and Badminton team.

I think it's going to be a very exciting year :)

:: Plod 09:56 [+] ::
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New Photos

I've just uploaded 5 new pictures from over this summer into the album down below on the left. Hope you enjoy them!

:: Plod 18:10 [+] ::
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Weekend of Work

The final weekend before I start my UCL course. Its been largely uneventful, but I had to try hard to keep my mind on the job and off other things. I seem to be out of my latest little misery-fit - God only knows what brings them on. They do my head in...it's not like I *want* to rant, rave and generally get all pious and self-pitying, but it just seems to happen. It's like losing control over something important...you know you're doing it, but you just don't know how best to help yourself.

My exercise regime is going well, and I'm losing weight nicely. The new eating habits are coming hard, but I'm sure I'll get there in the end. I intend to sign up to the Badminton team as soon as I get the chance in the next week or two. Tomorrow, I'm off to the Lord of the Rings exhibition with Liz Robertson - it's unique, it's up at the Science Museum, and if I don't go soon, I'll lose my chance to see it all. Liz isn't really my favourite person right now, but I'll stomach her for one day. I suppose if we're to be friends, we have to at least try and have fun...but I hate being treated like second best.

Lindsay wrote me a really touching email the other day. I couldn't help but write to her and tell her how crappy I felt, and as always, she was fantastic. It really smacked me between the eyes - we were always really close (once, *really* close, if you know what I mean), but I thought much of our "closeness" would have gone away over the years. Clearly not. I feel very lucky to have someone who cares for me so much. She wants me to go out and see her in the Autumn - even offering me a space in her house and to pay half of my air fare! Money really isn't the problem...it's a question of being able to fit it in around our respective holidays. I don't want to disrupt any of Lindsay's college work, and I'm sure I will if I'm with her during term time. But I would love to see her...so, so much.

:: Plod 18:00 [+] ::
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A Day in the City

I spent today up in London with my good old friend Paul, who's just about to do an MSc in International Relations over at the LSE (London School of Economics). He went to UCL for his BA, so he was showing me around the departments, the libraries and the unions - there's so much! It all seems a lot bigger than Sheffield - and that was no small university, I can tell you. Then we spent the best part of the day putting the world to rights in many of London's varied and pleasant pubs. rounded off with a curry. What a night! :)

Tomorrow sees me back to working the phones at RailEurope...Joy! It'll be my first time in ages. Still, it gives me a chance to do some catching up, and maybe even some writing if it gets really quiet. I can't wait until next Tuesday when I enrol and get to meet all my fellow MA students...believe me, with the void in my life right now, it can't come soon enough.

:: Plod 22:42 [+] ::
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Back to Blogging

I needed my own space back to shout in...and at times when I need to let off steam, this Blog is the only place I can do it. It's comforting, knowing you have something you can write down your innermost thoughts in and share with others. I don't mind the transparency of it all...indeed, I find it a great way of sharing things that I'd normally feel uncomfortable talking about with others. I'm not much good at talking emotionally, but I can write it at least.

I still feel crappy, even though I'm starting a new university next Tuesday. Why? Because I feel like I'm losing a slender grip on reality. "Oh," you might say, "you're just being melodramatic, dear. Well, you're a writer, aren't you?" Yeah, I am a writer. And I hate melodrama. I know me quite well, and what I know is ugly. There are times when I absolutely hate myself and wish I was someone else, and then there are times I feel on top of the world - like I have everything going for me. I've noticed, particularly when I have time to dwell, that I'm prone to rather violent mood swings. It frightens me...am I schizophrenic or something? I feel dangerous...like I don't trust myself or know what I'm capable of. I feel like I have a huge void to fill somewhere in my life, but I don't know how to go about doing it. A psychologist would have a field day with me.

Do I push people away? No, I try not to. I'll talk to anyone about anything - all of my friends know that, and I always *want* to be there for people. I don't have a single friend that I wouldn't go to hell and back for - not a single one. That's how passionate I am about people. And yet, why do I feel so alone and undervalued? I'm sure I'm not. Maybe I need too much appreciation? Maybe I have nothing to appreciate. I really don't know. I have a head full of questions, and no answers at all. I feel distant from people - I see other people enjoying relationships, meeting new people, always happy, always laughing. I know what I wrote in "The Humble Minstrel" poem (see [eversong]), that basically things are not always what they seem with happy people...but I guess I don't really believe my own words. I wrote that as a comfort, anyway.

The one person who makes it so hard for me is Liz. I can't get her out of my head one minute, and the next I absolutely loathe her. My feelings around her swing so violently, so painfully that I begin to get really worried. "Why," I ask myself, "does she deserve to be happy?". She deserves anything as much as I do...but I can't bring myself to see Liz happy when I'm so miserable inside. Everything in Liz's life is sorted. If it's not Brandon, it's James. Two guys. And me? Not a single thing. I hate it. I utterly hate it, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. She says she wants to be friends, so I try my hardest, and then she doesn't even show me a base level of respect. She doesn't trust me, she doesn't seem to even like me. She never talks to me. Is that how friends treat each other? I don't think so. I try and try, but it makes no difference. Liz sees me as an annoyance that has to be put up with, and I can't handle that - not when she was the girl that meant the world to me.

I seem to be writing things like this all too often for my liking. Remember last December? I was all over the place with Charlotte. It drove me mad. I don't think I have any real grip on emotional things. I'm a shambolic wreck who so desperately wants to be shown the way so he can be like everybody else...but it's not going to happen. At times, I feel so empty and hollow that I feel I have absolutely nothing left to give - that my life is better off not continuing. And what is even more hurtful is when I start to think about who would actually give a damn if I wasn't around any more. And then there are times when I switch into military mode, kick myself up the arse and tell myself to stop being so stupid. But these depressive fits are becoming too common. I don't want to even think I need some kind of help.

What I need are my friends.

:: Plod 23:54 [+] ::
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Testing

Is this thing on?

:: Plod 00:07 [+] ::
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