:: Chris Turner's Journal ::

:: Friday, January 24, 2003 ::

Feeling much better...

Its been ages since I wrote in here, but I'm feeling much better now. Soon, I'll be back on track. Lots has been happening to me, and I'm feeling much happier in myself.

:: Plod 13:38 [+] ::
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A Rollercoaster Ride

Why am I not in control of myself? I want to feel normal. I want to stop hurting the way I do. She eventually replied to my text message, but only to wish me a safe journey back to Sheffield. I really, really wish I knew what to do. I need my friends, but they're not here...it feels like nobody is. For someone who is so into people, I sure do seem to have a lack of people I can depend on. There's Dawn, bless her, and Chris - and Matt from time to time. Liz never gets back to me - she's always too caught up in her own troubles. At times like this, I have only my writing. So, what's on my mind? I'll try and put it in a list.

1) Uncontrollable Feelings

As if any reader weren't already aware, my feelings for Charlotte are tearing me apart. I can't help having them, but I don't think I want them any more. All they're doing is making me miserable - I wait for a call, a message - anything...and I get nothing. I live in hope - hope that she'll say to me one day "Yes, Chris - you're a great guy", but I feel like I have been afflicted with a curse. I could never hope that she'd return any feelings for me - and it's tearing me apart. I WANT TO SCREAM. I can't get away from it...and I don't know how to handle the situation.

2) Exam Pressure

I have an exam coming up, and I feel like I know nothing. If I fuck up next Tuesday, I'm going to seriously damage my course prospects - and right now, I feel like I'm in a world of shit. There's no let up in sight. If I do badly here, my plans for next year will go out the window.

3) Loneliness

I feel so alone in everything. The one person who really knows me (Liz), isn't around. I just want someone to talk to...someone I can be open with. Someone who can help...but there's noone who'll listen. Chris will, when he's around, but right now - he's not. I try and help people as much as I can...I always have time for my friends - but why doesn't anybody seem to have time for me?

Compiling that list didn't make me feel any better.

:: Plod 23:40 [+] ::
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Pissed Off

No call, and not even a reply to a text message. I'm pissed off and hurt.

Am I a repulsive character? I ask myself sometimes. I haven't been sleazy, come on to her, or done anything to upset or hurt her...and yet I don't even get a phone call. I feel very unwanted...like something that's been played with and put away on the back shelf. Is it so much to ask for people to do what they say they'll do? What have I done to piss her off?

I feel like shit now. Perhaps there's a good reason she didn't call, but I think I'm kidding myself. I guess she thinks I'm an arsehole - certainly not worth calling. That makes me feel SO good.

:: Plod 23:01 [+] ::
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Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

For some sodding reason, I can't get my head straight at the moment. Charlotte said she'd ring tonight, and so far she hasn't. I guess I just expected a call by now...it's not like it's too late.

I just hate waiting, I suppose. Why am I getting myself in knots over a girl I hardly know who doesn't even seem to like me one bit?

:: Plod 20:56 [+] ::
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Star Trek: The Adventure

Okay, okay. So, today, I was able to indulge my geeky side. I like Star Trek. There, I said it.

I don't speak Klingon, I have no idea what the Stardate is, and I don't happen to think I live in the 24th century. I just used to enjoy the TV show. Anyway, there was a huge exhibition up at Hyde Park and I went up with Liz to see it. It was fantastic to see how the show was put together. It's on tour from Los Angeles and won't be around here for much longer, so I had to take this opportunity to go. It's amazing how much effort goes into producing a 45-minute show.

Tomorrow, I'm out with my dad to see the James Bond Exhibition at the Science Museum. Good, eh? Two exhibitions in two days. I've been looking forward to this one for quite a while, and I know he wants to see it to relive some of his early film youth.

:: Plod 22:57 [+] ::
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A Clear Head At Last

I'm feeling much better today. Still not 100%, but I don't feel like I'm being crushed or torn apart by my own feelings right now. I received a nice little message from her this morning, offering a little prayer that I might feel better soon and a promise to "b in touch". I hate text-message speak :)

I expect that over the next few days I'll calm down, and soon everything will be back to normal. I shouldn't think about it too much right now, else I expect I'll start off all over again, so I'll leave it for now. Better to write with a clear head.

:: Plod 15:20 [+] ::
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Inspiration for Poetry

If nothing else, my feelings have allowed me to write what I think is a pretty good poem. It's over at Eversong (follow the link at the top of the page) - "The Humble Minstrel Sits Alone". I've submitted it to a couple of places, so I hope it finds a home somewhere. I'd love to see it in a magazine...

:: Plod 01:05 [+] ::
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Reflections

What a night. The ballet was superb, and I had a wonderful time - a memorable occasion that I'm sure will stay with me forever.

But today, I feel crappy. Why - perhaps - would someone feel so bad after feeling so good? I think I'm coming to terms with some painful home truths. When I was out last night, I saw what a fantastic woman Charlotte is. I found myself utterly captivated by her mere presence, and I couldn't have dreamed of being in better company. I think of her now, and think how lucky I am to even know such a special person. But, as I reflect, it causes me some pain - the realisation that I don't think I could ever be good enough for her. Charlotte is a very special girl, and she deserves a very special guy. I don't think I fit the bill somehow.

I've set myself up for this, I suppose. My feelings have gone haywire - too much too quickly, perhaps - but I can't help it. I feel a longing to speak to her - just to talk to her once more - but I'm frightened. I feel like the more I speak, the greater my chances of ruining everything - and I don't want to crowd her. I'll just end up looking like a nutter.

I asked her out for a second date yesterday, and she seemed interested and fairly keen (but once more, I ask, is it my hope that leads me to say such things, or my brain?)...but today she said she wouldn't be able to make it before I go back to Sheffield on Wednesday. I know she probably has things planned with her friend (Henrietta, who also came along last night), and Charlotte isn't the type to bend the truth. Having said that, I keep going over things in my mind...have I said something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did I appear overly keen? What does she think of me? All these questions have created a deep uncertainty within me, and have brought my insecurities to the surface. My feelings are driving me into becoming a nervous wreck. My reply text message was something along the lines of "Oh bugger. Hope you enjoy London and that work goes okay. Hope to see you again sometime soon." I keep asking myself - was that the right thing to say? Did I get it wrong? The questions just don't stop. Questions, questions, questions. Stupidly, I left a message on her answer machine, but I stumbled and tripped over my words. It can only have made things worse.

If I told her how I feel, she'd probably run a mile. I couldn't bear the thought of that - but how do I know that will happen? I don't. I want to get to know her better - but I feel like I'm in conflict with myself. On the one hand, I want to tell her what I think of her - that I have felt nothing but happiness since knowing her, that she excites me...that I have feelings for her. On the other, I don't want to upset her, lessen her opinion of me or lose her as a friend. So many doubts, so many questions, so much hope and longing. It is a painful combination.

Things cannot continue like this for long - I'm going to have to straighten myself out. I have tried to already - even switching back into my army way of thought ("just get on with it"), but it brings me no comfort.

Charlotte is the most amazing girl I have ever had the priviledge of meeting. But I am afraid - afraid that I will get things wrong, that I will hurt her, or frighten her. I am usually strong and confident, but tonight little diary, I feel weak and without focus. I am hurting myself because I refuse to let myself become absorbed in my feelings. Logic tells me that I cannot love her, because I have not known her long enough - but my heart tells me something quite different. I cannot even bring myself to write it down, in here.

I pray that something good comes of this, and live in hope that she may think of me from time to time.

:: Plod 23:49 [+] ::
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Tomorrow's the big day!!!

All that's on my mind at the moment is tomorrow. It's what I've been getting ready for ever since I came home, and I'm so excited, I can scarcely contain myself! It's on my mind constantly. I keep trying to plan everything in meticulous detail, but I'm worried that I'm going overboard. I just want everything to be perfect so that she has a night out to remember. The smile on her face at the end of it all will be worth it.

And, as a side note, I got a summer job today. I'll be working at RailEurope next summer - but more on that another time. I'm too bloody excited to concentrate!!! :)

:: Plod 17:35 [+] ::
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Mulling About

What a good word "mulling" is. It must be one of my favourites.

Nothing much has happened today - I've been feeling like shit (getting over a sore throat), but at least it happened now and not on Thursday! I'm so excited it's untrue. I feel like a little kid - or a teenager about to go on their first date. I spent most of the day working on that programming project I started ages ago, but I'm not making much progress. Hopefully it'll start to come together soon.

Liz hasn't got back to me about doing stuff next week yet. It doesn't surprise me too much - I even wonder if I'll see her before I go back to Sheffield. She's had Paul down recently from Leicester (understandably), but I never seem to see her that much at uni - and now not even at home. Having said that, I did see her at the barbecue (where I met Charlotte) for a little while - but she was in a foul mood. When she left, I was more concerned that Charlotte was leaving at the same time than I was that Liz herself was going.

I've also got to start work tomorrow. If I don't start soon, I'll have lost the entire holiday. Mind you, in this house it's so bloody difficult to get anything done! If I don't have my dad interrupting me every 5 minutes, it's my mother whining about something, or it's the dog acting up - or something. It just goes on and on. If I didn't have that date with Charlotte next Thursday, I'd want to be heading back to Sheffield right now.

:: Plod 21:54 [+] ::
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Catching up on Old Times

Today, I caught up with an old friend from my schooldays - Paul. We've stayed in touch since we left school, but I haven't seen him in about 6 months - so today, we met up, had a pub lunch and caught up on old times. He's looking at doing an MA in Modern History at UCL next year too, so it's quite possible that we'll be back in the same classes after 3 years apart :) Anyway, it was great to catch up with an old mate.

I also watched The Matrix on DVD tonight - wow! I loved it. I know it's old now, but I hadn't seen it before - and what a movie!

And quite frankly, I can't be arsed to write any more in my journal tonight. It's late, and I'm too busy (as I write) dreaming of next Thursday. I want it all to run so well, and I can't get it out of my head.

:: Plod 23:53 [+] ::
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She said Yes!

Well, I finally plucked up the courage to ask Charlotte out on a date next Thursday - and she agreed enthusiastically! I'm a very happy bunny. I booked us two tickets to see "Nutcracker!" at Sadler's Wells on the 9th - I also managed to get some of the best seats in the house (at no small cost, I might add), and I hope it'll all make for a magical evening. I'm really, really looking forward to it - hell - I've arranged my entire Christmas holiday around it! I'm going to have to get myself spruced up a bit - I have to make the right impression!

I managed to get through to Liz Gavin at long last as well today - we're going to do something next week, and she seemed quite interested in seeing the Star Trek exhibition in Hyde Park. I'm certainly up for that, but I'll have to book in advance. I told her about taking Charlotte out and she was thrilled - she reckons she's "such a lovely person!", and I have to say that I agree ;)

I also finally got to see the new Lord of the Rings film today, and it was awesome. A superb telling of the story, and I can't wait for the final part in December. I went with ex-Liz, and for the first time, I felt absolutely no desire to get back with her at all. It was hardly strong before, but you know how the mind can play tricks. Perhaps it's because my mind is on Charlotte at the moment. I'm pretty sure that Liz will end up going out with Gordon (my old nemesis - she once cheated on me with him) and she's seeing him next week some time. Still, that's none of my business anymore - and nor do I particularly care. She wished me well with Charlotte, which I thought was a nice gesture at least.

Anyway, I've bought myself a CD of the score from the ballet so I can get acquainted with the music before I go. I don't want Charlotte to think I'm a complete idiot! :) I'm really looking forward to next week - because I know I'll be making a very special girl very happy.

Goodnight, little diary!

:: Plod 00:47 [+] ::
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Recovering from the Day

Well, at last, it's over! The family have been and gone, dinner has been (but yet to go, if you catch my drift), and all is now quiet again. I've recovered from my hangover (just), and now am looking for something practical to do. I'll probably go and play my guitar for a while.

I haven't made any plans for tomorrow - although me & Liz might be going to see "The Two Towers" tomorrow, if she gets her arse into gear. On Friday, I'm meeting up with my old friend Paul from school - I haven't seen him in ages - so we'll go and get a drink somewhere and talk over old times.

Other than that, I really can't think of anything to put in my journal, so I'll close for now. Ta-ra! :)

:: Plod 21:19 [+] ::
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The Philosopher's Drinking Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raisin' of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
'alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
and Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

(Monty Python)

:: Plod 12:25 [+] ::
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The Morning After the Night Before

Quite possibly the worst picture of me ever taken...

Oh dear...it's hangover time...me not well...urrrgh....

:: Plod 12:19 [+] ::
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